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Appease you but you haven t really helped Now she feels upset dismissed and uilty Tears Crying provides emotional relief Don t shame them Point out that relief results from a Bone and Jewel Creatures good cry Other things to say when they re in distress and not responding to you Is there anything I can do that won t make this worse This communicates You understand her distress is real you aren toing to talk her out of her feelings you re not afraid of them When your daughter is in distress she needs to hear your confidence that she will be ok Social media Before it was around a teen Urban Workers in the Early Industrial Revolution going through a heartache or crisis would vent silently or to diaries They might have written an angry hurtful letter to the offender but then after calming down ripped it up They had time to consider how they wanted to act on hurt feelings Now it s common torab the phone desperately when in distress and start stirring up drama and retaliation and destruction It provides short term relief but also sets the stage for emotional distress as the friends strike back later Or instead of processing upset feelings they turn to phones to numb and distract When posting ood news online instead of savoring the happiness now the irl must keep anxiously checking for likes and approval One solution Stave off ready access to social media as long as possible and limit the access so they can learn to summon their own resources or us in person support Make sure she is involved in extra curriculars or support hobbies so she can excel and derive confidence that isn t based on social approvalBetter to be too strict than too permissive You can always loosen the Riding the Storm grip over time but it s much harder to reign in once you ve been too permissive and see the error They want lines drawn and like to push against them If they don t find friction with adults on minor things dark lipstick offensive music weird clothes undone chores they may move to risky behavior as they wonder where the boundaries are It s terrifying to think that nobody is watching out for them Go ahead and engage on the small stuff loud music sassy mouth don t let it slide or the lines keepetting pushed out fartherRisky behavior instead of lecturing the child on why she shouldn t spend the night at a boy s house for example assume she has a wise mature side and speak to that part of her You and I both know the risksthe natural conseuences of what could happen rather than attacked her judgment and behavior They need to focus not on escaping adult detection but the real dangers they might face When they reveal classmates risky behavior don t react with shock and say That s awful I d Comparative Youth Justice ground her if she was my daughter Rather enlist her can you help stop her from doing that I d hate for her toet hurt or kill herself or someone else When parents threaten their kids If I ever caught you doing that they are hoping to scare her straight Better to calmly discuss the natural conseuences and risks otherwise you re just starting a Insidious (FBI Thriller, game of Better notet caught by mom Frame the conversations in terms of the dangers not what will happen if she ets bustedShame vs Repair Shaming says you are bad Repairing says You used bad judgment but you can make it right again This way teens learn from their mistakes and know there s a way back Shame festers inside and leads to long term problemsBe aware that many teen boys are consuming explicit porn and expecting this is normal and seek to try out what they ve seen online The romantic landscape around her has been altered They have a lot of pressure to send nudes and do other sexual favors Talk to your teen about this inappropriate behavior on the uys part and empower them They may roll their eyes but they like hearing that she s not a prude because she doesn t participate This behavior from the boys should make them angry not consider that it s normal and acceptableCaring for herself alcohol drugs promiscuity eating disorders weight problems Example Childcraft given ofirl who ot drunk on hard liuor and blacked out at party Instead of the therapist peppering how much did you drink did you black out how often she had one uestion that served her well Are YOU worried about your drinking with the right noncriticalnonjudgmental tone you can side with her mature side to see if there is reason to be concerned about her ability to care for herself and Where do you want to o from here Raise topics of things you heard on the radio Point out that the The Bigot List government doesn t ban drugs because they hate fun or want to keep officers busy talk about the hazards and additive nature and science Planning for the future Power struggles over homework US Neveret into a power struggle when the teen holds all the power They have almost total control and you have none We wonder why would a teen sabotage her future Some lack maturity to see it this way They may want to prove their parents don t have power over them They don t see they are closing off options to their future selves that may care at that point even if they "don t now
Choices have conseuences Usually the conseuence is too far in the future have conseuences Usually the conseuence is too far in the future the "t now Choices have conseuences Usually the conseuence is too far in the future for the to take seriously now parents need to shorten the distance to the conseuences AND move out of the role of homework supervisor We hate to see you shutting down options you may want to have at the end of HS We know you like to Religious Refugees in the Early Modern World go out to parties and concerts with your friends but those things reuire maturity andood judgment You re not showing maturity at school so we re not doing our job as parents if we let you Fatal Women go into risky situations without proof that you don t haveood judgment Show us your maturity and we ll let you exercise that maturity when you spend time with your friends Be careful that tones are hopeful and not hostile You WANT your teen to have fun with friends and it s up to her to choose that option The plan isn t to persecute it s to provide a small scale version of how the real world works Ask the educators on their take of your child s efforts They are often in the best position to assess their performanceMonitoring schoolwork When you closely monitor schoolwork and don t them them falter stepping in to help them it keeps the In Secret Mongolia girls fromrowingprogressing We know you re disappointed about your Some of Us Have to Get Up in the Morning grades we see you haven t been taking charge of your schoolwork We are happy to connect you to resources at school but trust you ll figure out what you need to do differently Fixed vsrowth mindset If she doesn t make the suad or The Rogues Fortune (The Highest Bidder get the part don t commiserate and say I know I never made the suad either boo hoo Or They picked THATirl to play instead of you You re way better This fixed mindset reassurance backfires Don t try to salvage their self esteem by telling them they are special or The Big Win great at other things This makes them feel like a helpless victim Rather tell them they ve come a long way and they ll keeprowing with practice It s crummy to lose but now you know what you need to do to be better and you can choose to work on that for next time Coupling these works with warm reassurance in your tone will help them feel better Praise effort not smartsOK I m out of typing juice I need to Hired for the Bosss Bedroom go make flashcards to pull out of my purse at anyiven moment as I raise these two tempestuous teenage Bedlam (Skulduggery Pleasant, girls currently residing in my household I am currently parenting a teen and have no idea what the fuck I m doing Thankoodness there are books out there like this one to help me muddle through Great real world examples thorough explanations loads of empathy First Read Man that was immensely helpful I will be referring to this insightful well written book for the next seven years I am Betrayal in the Badlands grateful for its existenceSecond Read Just as helpful the second time through Even if you have an easy teenager this book can help you parent even better I loaned my hardcover out an acuaintance and eventually told her to keep it for reference Her daughter read it first handed the book to her mom and said This is aood book You should read it That s right praise directly from a teenage British Exploitation of German Science and Technology, 1943-1949 girl I purchased a paperback and plan on reading it a third time highlighting personal pertinent points Excellent book This book provides a comprehensive overview of 7 states of development in adolescentirls I found the information to be valuable and in each chapter the author discusses what s normal and then ends with a When You Should Worry section Although filled with much practical advice I felt that the author to some extent was inconsistent in regard to her parenting approaches Moreover I felt that there was so much nuance in how to handle these matters that it appeared as if only a professional like herself could work through the myriad issues that teenage Civil and Political Rights in Japan girls face These things made me feel less confident in my ability to parent in those areas than how I usually feel after reading other parenting books I am still a few years out before most of stuff kicks in at home so I ll continue to learn about the subject Even so I would recommend this book as aood place to start for parents. The intervening decades the transition doesn’t appear to have Creative States of Mind gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource” The Boston Globe “Damour offers a hopeful helpful new way for parents to talk about and with teenageirls Parents will want this book on their shelves next to established classics of the Hidden genre” Publishers Weekly“For years people have been asking me for the ‘girl euivalent of Raising Cain’ and I haven't known exactly what to recommend Now I do” Michael Thompson PhD co author of Raising Cain “An essentialuide to understanding and supporting irls throughout their development It’s obvious that Dr Damour ‘gets’ irls and understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many The Therapeutic Process, the Self, and Female Psychology girls face” Rosalind Wiseman author of ueen Bees Wannabes “Aem From the moment I read the last page I’ve been recommending it to my clients including those with sons and colleagues and using it as a refreshing The Official Godzilla Compendium guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents” Wendy Mogel PhD author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. Gs in some brain science and mostly dismisses the notion that hormones play much of a role inirls s behaviors but the neurology is light which I think is When Football Was Football good since explanations on brain biology in my opinion usually far exceed the actual scienceShe identifies seven strands of maturation she is clearly building on the work of Anna Freud Piaget and Ericson though her strands are not really crises that have to be negotiated as much as skills to be learned Theist is that adolescence is much like toddlerhood with irls and boys unevenly learning what they need for the next independent stage of their life Again these are helpful ways to think about the rowing through adolescence of young women The book s structure however vitiates some of its utilityEach chapter by an large is devoted to one of the strands of maturation Though subdivided the chapters mostly lack landmarks and signs for the reader and are very heavy on the examples and narration Damour has an easy style so it s not an arduous read by any stretch but it is difficult to find the points she wants to make and see them all laid out The end of each chapter is devoted to signs to watch for but these are Billionaire Country generally so vague usually just extreme forms of the behaviors she is discussing that they are not particularly helpfulAs she outlines it the strands areParting with childhoodirls are learning to become independent though they are not adept and use their parents as anchor points in their exploration which often leads to conflict as they yo yo back and forth between competence and independence and need for support What to worry about either not becoming independent or doing so too uicklyJoining a new tribe Lair of the Dragon girls at are looking for friends to help them into adolescence which means breaking with earlier friends and finding new ones Damour is of the opinion that airl with even one Forever His Bride (The Wedding Party, good friend is fine She notes that these new friendships can be difficult doirls try to be popular she notes that popular Girl Trouble girls are also often not liked they are seen as powerful but not friendly How closely do they stick together The parents role is to allow this new exploration and remind theirl of their best selves and that they should want a tribe that allows them to express it Parents actually have very little power here and the best they can do is to make sure that whatever friends the The Trouble with Valentines girl chooses she continues to meet the expectations of the family such as not blowing offrades for friends Girls will have interpersonal drama and it is not the job of the parent to step in and solve the problems When to worry no friends being bullied bullyingHarnessing emotions As their world expands and their empathy increases jlo Journal girls experience a lot emotions usually very intense She says that the reasons so manyirls act dramatically is because that is how they are experience the world and so telling One Night...Twin consequences (The Monticello Baby Miracles girls to calm down or reign it in comes across as slighting their reality But it is hard for parents becauseirls hold everything together during hectic days then dump it on their parents because they know they can let down there emotional outbursts are a sign of trust Sometimes they even try to harness their parents s emotions make their parents mad or upset so that they do not have to be The role of the parent is to accept that their daughter is One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic going through these intense times and try to teach them how to appropriately respond to the emotions When to worry clinical anxiety depression or self destructive behaviorsContending with authority As they enter adolescenceirls see that adults are far from perfect and indeed are often hypocritical and sanctimonious This makes The Routledge Handbook of Spanish in the Global City girls very skeptical of adults Damour advises parents to be willing to own some of their faults and to start ceding some of their authority or at least be willing to explain their positions if not always willing to change their minds Rather than making rules be about rules she advises that parents explain why certain behaviors are dangerous and offer that as an explanation for why the rule exists What to watch forirls who never test authority The Holy Grail girls who do so always andirls being used as pawns in arguments among adultsPlanning for the future Adolescents in British Jihadism general are bad about planning for the future Rather they tend to be impulsive which is especially bad in the era of social media where impulses are immediately broadcast Family policies for social media are important Parents are sometimes better about seeing future decisions but again in this strand freuently lack power and so the ideal would be to couple airls s decision making powers with her responsibilities the responsible she is the power she has to make other choices There is likely on the other hand to be lots of anxiety about smaller issues tests for example and certain to be disappointments as well Once the idea isn t to tell the Virgin Widow girl toet over it to deny the anxiety or minimize the disappointment but to validate the feelings without letting them overwhelm her Easier said than done What to watch for over planners and irls with no plans at allRomance There s a Freudian "ASPECT TO THIS SECTION REALIZE WHEN THEY ARE "to this section irls realize when they are that romance a special kind of relationship that they are not allowed to engage until they are older Adolescence is when they The Eternal Ice (Magic: The Gathering: Ice Age Cycle, get to finally explore Damour emphasizes that despite many fears of adultsirls are enerally slow to move into dating and not sure what being in a relationship even entails She advises parents to remind them of their own inner compass Damour is not judgmental about sex she seems to approve of a high school senior who had no strings attached sex because it
WORKED FOR THE GIRL BUT IS AWARE THAT THE for the irl but is aware that the standards in society can trap Tennessee Takedown / Ravens Hollow girls in stereotypes they might want to avoid There is also a section on homosexuality What to worry about dating olderuys The Cowboy Takes a Bride (The Bridal Bid girls whose only validation is through their looks or romantic relationshipsSelf care It is hard toauge whether Michaels Discovery (The Devaneys girls are ready to take care of a lot of their needs because they hide behind veils of obedience nodding without really listening and so being unprepared Once we account for that we mightet a better sense of where are daughters are along this continuum Damour emphasizes that once parents do not have a lot of power along this strand and that the issues are particularly difficult There is the issue of weight and eating in the context of the media she advises parents try to start conversations based around images on TV or in magazines She notes that modern technology interferes with sleep she also notes that Shotgun Wedding (Silhouette Yours Truly, girls will likely experiment with drugs drinking and sex and straight ultimatums are likely to cause problems than they would solve It has to be a constant negotiation When to worry eating disorders unwillingness to take care of one s selfThere is a very short pro forma concluding chapterDamour isood with metaphors and I only wish these could have been tied to a book structure that was broken into how to sections and less about extended examples Useful nonetheless ATTENTION REUIRED READING FOR PARENTS OF TEEN GIRLSSuch valuable valuable help from a therapist whose life work centers around providing counsel and working with thousands of teen Life Changing Smiles girls and their parents This book really calmed me down and made me think Oh it s ok Oh it s normal I ll list out what I want to remember Warning Very longWhen they re complaining about something or dumping their emotions on you just listen They probably won t take any advice but to be sure you can say Do you want my help with what your describing or do you just want to vent OR if you feel the probably needs to be put in better perspective you can say I have a different take on the situation do you want to hear it It s normal for them to take out frustrations on the family or siblings or feel she has to punish the family for her bad day But if it s clear she plans to be wretched say You may not be in aood mood but you are not allowed to mistreat us If you want to talk about what s bugging you I m all ears Externalization Once the child dumps out her feelings she s essentially Innocent Sins (Harlequin Presents, giving them to you You may at this point be stressed and worried than she now is Ex Of college daughter who called her mom crying and sharing misery about school When she hung up the daughter felt much better But the mom was up all night worried about her daughter The next day dad called and asked how daughter was and she was over it and just fine Having unloaded on her mom all the uncomfortable feelings It s a strange subtle process that helps make adolescence manageable When this happens to parents they may feel tempted to fix and solve and rescue Answer Do nothing Validate their feelings When feelings are minimizedirls turn up the volume to make sure they are heard Once a irl believes her parents understand where she s coming from she s usually willing to consider their advice or find her own solution When you tell her to calm down about an issue she may to. W should I respond • Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone • My daughter suffers from test anxiety What can I do to help her • Where’s the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder • My teenage daughter wants to know why I’m against pot when it’s legal in some states What should I say • My daughter’s friend is cutting herself Do I call the irl’s mother to let her know Perhaps most important Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand connect and row with their daughters When parents know what makes their daughter tick they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy happy young womanPraise for Untangled“Finally there’s some ood news for puzzled parents of adolescent irls and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news Untangled is the most down to earth readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time” The Washington Post “Anna Freud wrote in 1958 ‘There are few situations in life which are difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves’ In. God help me my oldest is about to be a teenParenting today is rough To be clear I ve only been a parent for 13 years and I m not saying that parenting before the 2000s was easy I m certain every eneration comes with its uniue challenges but lucky us we have the internet to contend with and it is not pretty Anxiety and depression are at an all time high for teens as they have access either directly or through their peers to a world of horrific reality worrying about terrorism school shootings plastic pollution pesticides and being abducted They also have access to endless mindnumbing videos pornography a barrage of photoshopped images of perfect bodies friends they have never met and the constant notifications from Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti Devotional Study Guide group texts with hundreds of people They contend at an early age with internet addiction and a constant need for online connection to their peers while studies show they are lonelier than ever spending less time face to face and not reaping the benefits of real relationships Sigh Tossing this into the mix of just the regular struggles of being an adolescent in a changing body receiving strong messages from the media about sexuality trying to fit in trying and resistingrowing up etc etcadds up to some significant stress for Plain Jane The Hotshot growing kids Now imagine that my child lives in this world and doesn t have a phone yet You can imagine the horror her and relief me All of the above is the biggest reason Irabbed this audio I bought a hardcopy months ago but Family of Her Dreams gave it to a friend who was in it than I am at this point So this book This book does areat job of shining a light on just how resourceful and bright teens can be The focus here is learning to communicate with your teen in a way that will help them hear you rather than block you out The communication style relies heavily on compromise and education There is a Blackmailed Into the Italians Bed good amount of useful information to help parents understand the whys of their daughter s behavior and to helpuide parents through these transitionsThe biggest takeaway for me is that I need to calm down I think I lecture too much about too many things almost all are internet related I am definitely a back in my day parent I remain awestruck by the sharp differences in parenting and in what we did and Girls Night Out got away with as tweens compared to today Kids today have far less freedom but far autonomy It s an interesting paradoxThis book helps make sense of it all I will be purchasing it and revisiting it as needed Oh and also I ll be calming downmaybea little Cue the Taylor Swift 45 stars I haven t done any updates for this book because for my purposes it wasn t one in which I had time to read from front to back I needed and will continue to need to refer to the sections which for the needs of myirls and how I can help them as well as the three of us together Fantastic book and one I ll refer to often even if it may be too late I pray to God it s not and I cannot thank Goodreads RandomHouse BallantineBooks and the author Lisa Damour for this Bound To Ransom (Bound Series Book 2) gift Aenreself help book I ve been in need of for far too many years So many choices out there and after trying to do it on my own not knowing which books to randomly pick from I was so incredibly blessed to have won this The moment I saw I had m I received an ARC of Untangled as a Goodreads Into the Wild (The McGraws, giveaway This book is an invaluable and comprehensive resource for parents of preteen and teenageirls Dr Damour clearly defines the seven strands of adolescence and specifically tailors this book for raising Orbital Velocity (Stony Man, girls This is important because the rate of development is uniue forirls and the issues that affect Cowboy Swagger (Sons of Troy Ledger, girls differ in many ways from those that affect their male counterparts Dr Damour offers deep insight into the teen female psyche One interesting difference between boys andirls is the way they deal with failure Girls tend to internalize failure and blame themselves whereas boys tend to blame the failure on an external factor Dr Damour is clear and easy to understand with her use of psychological terminology She draws upon many real life experiences from her practice After discussing each transition she has a when to worry section to help alert parents to danger signs and abnormal behavior because it s normal for teenagers to be all over the mapOnly occasionally did the suggested dialogue sound a little unrealistic or too clinical but I agreed with her straightforward approach and her tools for communicating with adolescents I agreed mostly with her Navy Wife (Navy general advice with the exception of slight contention with the Entering the Romantic World chapter Having not yetone through the experience of raising a teenage daughter I feel much prepared now to face that challenge I learned with conflicted emotions about first stage of parting with childhood where the teen pulls away from the family to form a new tribe composed of friends I found Dr Damour swimming analogy touching A parent is like the safety wall of a pool Children swim out into the water but sometimes need to hold on
to a parent to catch their breath and then inevitably push off a parent to catch their breath and then inevitably push off It is important for the parent to be that soft place and not take the rejection to heart Another chapter that I found completely fascinating was the one dealing with social media and the dangers for young Running Scared (Heroes for Hire, girls The author addresses the fact thatirls post when they have the need to feel connected or are feeling marginalized and typically post hasty responses without having time to cool off I think this is a chapter that would benefit even adults I would
LIKE TO CONCLUDE MY REVIEW WITH A SIMILE THAT to conclude my review with a simile that Damour used for irls She likens them to a lake and stresses the importance of having many tributaries to keep them full and healthy My first reaction after reading this book was OMG MY KIDS ARE GETTING OLD ENOUGH FOR ME TO READ THIS BOOK followed by 30 minutes of weepingBut seriously if the thought of teenagerhood daunts you or if you like us have a irl who isn t a teen yet but has started acting in ways where the old methods have stopped working this is really a terrific book It s clear eyed calm real It doesn t sugarcoat the pressures and conflicts that come with raising a teen but it also ives parents realistic ways to handle them So is this book worth reading if you re about to plunge into the world of raising adolescents How would I know Ask me in 10 years But from my perspective as someone who is only just now beginning to think about that stage this book provided a lot of practical and useful advice as "well as a sobering and yes sometimes scary reality check I ve never "as a sobering and yes sometimes scary reality check I ve never particularly pessimistic about the notion of being a parent to teenagers but nevertheless I found Lisa Damour s book helpful in easing my mind and iving me confidence that my wife and I can actually do this when the time comes In Untangled Lisa Damour discusses seven transition phases that One Good Cowboy girls experience as they progress from childhood to adulthood The phases are relatively self explanatory They are 1 parting with childhood 2 joining a new tribe 3 harnessing emotions 4 contending with adult authority 5 planning for the future 6 entering the romantic world and 7 caring for herself These phases aren t necessarily experienced at specific ages in one specific order but Damour s outline of them does offer aeneral A Part Of Me guide for how mostirls matureDamour helpfully illustrates and clarifies her points with engaging and realistic anecdotes many taken from her years of experience working as a psychiatrist and director at Laurel School s Center for Research on Girls The stories are interesting and easy to relate to which I appreciatedI think the most powerful aspect of Untangled though is Damour s ability to talk about this potentially tense subject in a straightforward and honest way while also remaining patient with and kind to both young Shielding the Suspect girls AND their parents She s fair And forgiving She doesn t take sides and her attitude stays flexible When it comes to parenting she says there are many many ways toet it right Even when she is encouraging parents to have discuss and enforce boundaries with their daughters she also asks them to be understanding and open In other words her approach is collaborative and it made sense to meUltimately Untangled ended up being an informative read I learned a lot and I calmed down a lot too honestly Damour is so very soothing and so completely confident that we are all capable of figuring out this madness and working through it I couldn t help but feel consoled uplifted and strengthened by the book s message Pray for me I m the father of a 12 year old daughterThis book is a helpful though not A Vampires Christmas Carol groundbreaking book meant touide parents through the undeniable difficulties of raising Rafaels Suitable Bride girls into strong women at the beginning of the 21st century Damour s approach isenerally progressive feminist and self reflective realizing that a lot of the ways we socialize irls and teach them to be polite are also the ways we instill stereotypes All useful fodder for thought She brin. NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Lisa Damour PhD director of the internationally renowned Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls pulls back the curtain on the teenage years and shows why your daughter’s erratic and confusing behavior is actually healthy necessary and natural Untangled explains what’s oing on prepares parents for what’s to come and lets them know when it’s time to worry In this sane highly engaging and informed Daddys Little Cowgirl guide for parents of daughters Dr Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct and absolutely normal developmental transitions that turnirls into This is What I Want grown ups including Parting with Childhood Contending with Adult Authority Entering the Romantic World and Caring for Herself Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart constructive ways Untangledives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common uestions including • My thirteen year old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her and only does it when I et angry with her about it Ho.